when God applauds

I'm convinced that God is always working thematically in my life. You know, when every sermon you hear seems to drive home the same point? For me lately it's this area of PRIDE. Handy, I s'pose, since all sin really boils down to that anyway... but none the less. The youth group just started a new series in Sunday School based on CJ Mahaney's little book Humility: True Greatness. I think it's going to kick me in the face... repeatedly.

In my 22 1/2 years on this planet I've managed to get really good at the pride thing. Actually I think I was born pretty good at it (is that prideful?). Sometimes it's pretty obvious- the nose-in-the-air, I'm-better-than-you-because... attitude. Or the "hey, have you heard how great I am lately?" conversation. Or "hey, did you know that I am crazy spiritual!?" Or when I start to talk about the terrible trinity- I, Me, and My, more than anything/anyone else. But other times it's not so obvious. Sometimes it's well disguised. In fact, sometimes the ugliest kind of pride looks like humility. This kind is more sneaky- others might not even catch on. It could be going out of my way to serve in some way as if I'm just a humble servant-person... and all the while hoping in the back of my heart that somebody's taking note. Or... it could be denying and deflecting others' compliments or kind remarks. For the longest time I didn't even realize that was pride! Ha ha, truthfully, the first time I really remember being confronted with this truth was when Carey Nilius was doing my hair for Jr/Sr my senior year. She gave me some sort of compliment or something that I tried to ignore which turned into a golden opportunity for rebuke. I so needed that, though, and I've never forgotten that conversation either! Who knew an Eeyore "whoa is me" attitude is prideful? But it is... and it's ugly!

[Wanna hear a funny story? OK!] When I was in Junior High, I remember for Bible class each week we did a unit on a different character trait that we should be growing/acquiring as Christians. One particular week the unit was on "humility." [True story, mind you.] I remember wanting so badly to impress Mr. Lane with my skill in humility. So during activity period I was shooting hoops and thinking... "how can I look REALLY humble playing basketball?" DING! DING! DING! "I know! Every time I miss a basket  I will just hang my head in shame. And if I make it, I'll still hang my head and shame... that way, I'll look like I'm super humble!" Pathetic right? Yeah, tell me about it.

I was reminded last Sunday that humility is really just having an accurate understanding of self. Accurate is key though. John Calvin wrote, "It is evident that man never attains to a true self-knowledge until he has previously contemplated the face of God, and come down after such contemplation to look into himself." Similarly, Mahaney says "Humility is honestly assessing ourselves in light of God's holiness and our sinfulness." That's it. It's that simple! There is no room for pride in a world where God is truly exalted as God. But I guess that's why Heaven is Heaven. Think about it. Essentially, pride is just measuring yourself against the standard of everybody else. If we assess ourselves this way, we always come out on top because we can always find somebody who's worse than we are. But what if man is not the standard? What if God is the standard? If God is the standard, NO ONE measures up! His standard is perfect holiness and righteousness and sinlessness. But we don't like to think this way because then we feel small and insignificant. But true significance comes when God applauds.

"Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.

For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved,

but the one whom the Lord commends." 

2 Corinthians 10:17-18

stamped in bold red letters

I've been told a time or two ten thousand that I'm morbid. I prefer, however, to consider myself one who thinks deeply about life. It seems silly to shun the thought- not like any man avoids it, right? You've heard the old adage "Death is no respecter of persons." So why pretend? I figure I'm kind of like a jug of milk... stamped in bold red letters with an expiration date. (Haha- maybe you prefer to think of it as a "best if used by" date.)

I watched a couple movies tonight... both of which made me think about "the end." One was fictional- Remember Me, the other was all true- Brothers Lost. The latter stands out more. It's a documentary of friends and relatives of those who lost their lives on 9/11, retelling their stories. That's powerful stuff! And for those of you who are convinced I don't have tear ducts- you're wrong! Promise.

Have you thought about it lately? What if it were you? What if it were me? Many of the guys who shared their treasured memories told of ordinary moments- the day-in-day-out, mundane stuff that most people don't give a second thought. The last good-bye. The last "I love you." The last joke. The last kind gesture. The last argument. If today were your last day, what would stand out in people's mind? If you knew today were the day, would you live it differently? There's a line in a Tim McGraw song... "someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying." Intriguing, eh? The reality is, though, we all have that chance EVERY DAY.  Life is unpredictable, and death all the more! The all familiar James 4:14 says "You do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away." We don't know. We cannot know! It is what it is, yet by the same token... IT IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT!

One of the last questions fielded in the documentary was in reference to the grieving and moving on stages of loss. It was "Do you believe in God? (or "What do you think is next?") This was the saddest part of the whole thing! Not one of the men who shared their stories had any real hope of seeing their loved ones again. Many of them explained that September 11th was "proof" that a good God cannot exist. Some said the here and now is all there is and then it's over. Others said they'd all meet again in heaven. 1 Thessalonians 4:13, 14 comes to my mind. "Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe..." Praise the Lord for HOPE! There is something greater than me, my little world, and my little life... there is a great and awesome God out there Who has ordained all my days. He has prepared a place for me in His presence and I can be confident in such a hope. I do not mourn as others do!

I pray that I will invest my life in something that will outlive me. I pray that I'll live everyday for the applause of One. I pray that when the last page is turned, the story of my life will have been all about the Author and Perfecter of my faith. Oh Lord, make my life an Hallelujah!

for a little while
grace

where healing begins

Ever become overwhelmed with the realization that you're a crappier person than you thought you were? It's an unsettling thing! It's funny though, we try so hard to hide it. We do everything we possibly can do in order to mask the fact that we're terrible people... as if others haven't picked up on it. We're so scared someone might see us for what we are. I wonder though... what if we were real people? What if everybody were REAL/ TRANSPARENT/ GENUINE/ FLAWED? Wouldn't it be beautiful!? I heard a quote that interupts my train of thought sometimes- "The best thing that could happen to us would be for our sins to be literally exposed on the 5 o' clock news- our deepest, darkest, most embarassing sin, the ones we work the hardest to hide..." (Derek Webb). Isn't that like a sucker punch to the gut!? What if it happened? What if the whole world saw me for what I am?

A couple weeks ago I was reminded that I have SO FAR TO GO and it was overwhelming and to a degree, discouraging. But I think what was hardest was not the sin itself but the fact that somebody else exposed it. But this is where healing begins. Think about it. People go to the doctor to find out what's wrong so they can fix it, right? Most sick people don't go to the doctor hoping to stay sick forever- we want to be healed, we want to be well. So why then, in reality, do we try so hard to stay sick? to hide our sin?

I'm reminded of the Pharisees of Jesus' day. Matthew 23 records Jesus' woes and warnings for the Pharisees. In verse 27 Christ referred to the Pharisees as "white washed tombs." Apparently, during Jewish feasts etc. the tombs would be cleaned and white-washed on the outside so they looked better for the public eye. Yet the inside were full of death, decay, and disgustingness. But who can blame them? We do the same thing. It's just like making the bed and stuffing everything underneath... or sweeping a mess into a pile and throwing a rug over top of it... or putting dirty dishes in the fridge/stove/cubbard. It's not our definition of "clean" that counts- it's gotta be Christ's. Oh how we I need to be exposed again and again! Tenth Avenue North has a great song entitled "Healing Begins" - check out (some of) the lyrics!

So you thought you had to keep this up

All the work that you do

So we think that you're good

And you can't believe it's not enough

All the walls you built up

Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down

There's freedom waiting in the sound

When you let your walls fall to the ground

We're here now

This is where the healing begins

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out

Everything that you hide

Can come crashing through the door now

But too scared to face all your fear

So you hide but you find

That the shame won't disappear

Sparks will fly as grace collides

With the dark inside of us

So please don't fight

This coming light

Let this blood come cover us

His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark 

If any of this resonated with you, I'd challenge you to look up Psalm 51 and meditate on its truth; let David's prayer be yours! Be cleansed from the inside out. Enter into relationships without reservation- let people see you for who you are- failures and all (James 5:16). THIS is where the healing begins. Let the walls fall; there's healing in that sound!

AS IS, grace