gospel amnesia

I had one of those moments last night when God intersected my world with exactly what I needed... and He used a song to do it. I went to bed early last night feeling pretty discouraged and frustrated. Around 1:30 or so in the AM I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep, so I flipped on the radio. The song playing was called "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North - now before you go assuming that's Oprah psychology, let me share some of the lyrics. They speak richly of the extravagant grace of God.

"You are more than the choices that you've made. you are more than the sum of your past mistakes; you are more than the problems you create; you've been remade. Well she tries to believe it, that she's been given new life. But she can't shake the feeling that it's not true tonight. She knows all the answers; and she's rehearsed all the lines. And so she'll try to do better; but then she's too weak to try. BUT DON'T YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE? 'Cause this is not about what you've done, but what's been done for you. This is not about where you've been, but where your brokenness brings you to. This is not about what you feel, but what He felt to forgive you, and what He felt to make you loved..."

I heard a sermon online recently that spoke about a Christian's tendancy to come down with "gospel amnesia." I'm so prone to forget the gospel, to forget about His grace. What would be different in my life if everyday was innundated with gospel truth? What would change if I really grasped grace? How can something so monumental become so mundane? The significance of the gospel is earth-shattering. So how do I manage so often to forget? I wrestle to understand what grace and the gospel is all about. There's a line from a Relient K song that echos in my mind: "the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair." I guess the point is that it doesn't make sense- not fully anyway- and it never will. Because the bottom line is, I don't deserve grace or mercy. Not only that, but I can't earn it either. But the beauty of it all is that though it's utterly undeserved, I'm blessed to be showered everyday with this extravagant, unending grace. It gives joy and hope and purpose. It's DE-motivation to continue in sin, to believie the bold-faced lies of the Evil One. It's motivation to embrace Life Abundant in and only through Christ. I can only be thankful. Julian of Norwich said "The greatest honor we can give Almighty God is to live gladly because of the knowlege of his love."

It's not enough to just believe the gospel, it must saturate my mind and heart as I begin to live like it's true. This doesn't mean gritting my teeth and trying harder to live better and achieve more. It's not making lofty commitments and holding myself to a higher standard. The gospel is realized in my life when I just come, messed up as I am, to the foot of the cross and let His love cover. It's stripping away all that I cling to and wholeheartedly encountering God FOR ALL HE IS. There in lies the freedom I crave!

"Where sin abounded, grace has more abounded; and so, just as sin reigned wherever there was death, so grace will bring eternal life thanks to the righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Romans 5:20-21)

while i'm waiting

I'm two weeks shy of being half way done with my senior year of college... it's so wierd! I'm in limbo. For the first time in my life I don't know what's next. People are beginning to ask me "so what's after graduation?" Appropriate question. My answer... "No clue." Is that irresponsible? Irrational? Immature? Maybe. But the way I see it, though I don't know what my future holds, I do know Who holds my future and that's a huge comfort. Not knowing much of anything is a bit unnerving, but at the same time it's exciting!

I am so thankful for the past three and a half years of my life. They've brought so many rich experiences that have shaped and prepared me for what's ahead, whatever that is. Of course, it hasn't all been jolly and good, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've been able to see life and ministry from perspectives I wouldn't have otherwise known. Coming into my freshman year of college all I had were a bunch of lofty goals and little true-to-life experience... but God has blessed in so many ways since that first awkward year. God allowed me the life-changing opportunity to travel on two camp teams. Ministering at camps taught me what it means to spend and be spent. It opened my eyes to people and the nature of discipleship. It helped me to get out of my shell and do hard things. So many lessons!

This year it has been so much fun jumping in with the youth group for my senior internship. I'm looking forward to teaching a series to the girls in January. Along the way I've become all the more grateful for my youth leaders from junior high and high school when I was an impressionable teen. I had no idea what went into youth ministry! But it's still a blast. It's crazy to think that I sit among future leaders with tons of potential when I sit in that youth room. They're so impressionable and I firmly believe ministering to them is one of the most vital ministries in the church! (Sorry for the soap box.)

As of Thanksgiving day, I found out that I have a chance to be a part of the South Africa team this summer. The team takes off in like 170 days or something... which, by the way, seems like 800 light years away! I can't wait! I can't wait to watch God work in all of those details that seem so insurmountable at this stage in the game. I can't wait to see the world the way God does. I can't wait to see the broken people of SA the way God does. It's all pretty 'citing!

So to bring this entry full circle... I can't lay out my life for you, and I don't know for sure what my future will look like; but I'm not worried. I'm trusting the Lord to arrange the pieces of this puzzle. He's given me a full life thus far with more blessings and opportunities than I could name, so I figure He's pretty trustworthy. I firmly believe that God will establish His perfect plan as I align my passions and desires with His. Psalm 37:5, 23 say "Commit your way to the LORD, trust in Him and He will do this... The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him." I'm not boasting in tomorrow, today has its own concerns. In the mean time, I'm taking my cues from James 4- taking it one day at a time, doing the good I know I ought to do.

There's a great song that comes to mind in closing- it's John Waller's WHILE I'M WAITING. A few of its lines are really fitting: "I will move ahead bold and confident, Taking every step in obedience. While I'm waiting, I will serve you. While I'm waiting, I will worship..." Love it.

too big for any box

JJ Heller has a song called "Small" talking about the God we often try to create- a God that's comprehendable, a God that's containable, a God that's comfortable- but God is not pocket-sized and He isn't what I think He is! He's BIG. But that three letter word doesn't even begin to size Him up. There are no words. There are no definitions. There cannot be a "Sunday School answer." (see Isaiah 40:6-31)

But I often carry Him around in my little "God-box" and bring Him out like show-n'-tell when I expect Him to do something beyond myself. But truth be known, every breath and every task, each and every day is God-sized, it's all beyond me! I'm not capable in my own strength. Why don't I have a God-sized God? What gets into me to make me think that I can do anything for myself? Wouldn't it be crazy sweet if I lived like my God was too big for any box? What if we all did?

I'm glad God is bigger than I will ever comprehend. I'm glad His power is greater. I'm glad He is completely sovereign. I'm glad He doesn't need me. I'm glad I'm not the center of His world. But I pray that He will be the center of mine. I pray that He'll constantly awe me and wow me and remind me that I will never understand. I will never comprehend.

Anyway, here's the song I mentioned earlier:

Cardboard cutouts on the floor

People wish that you were more

like what they wanted you to be

Eventually they won’t have much of you

at all in their theology

The walls are closing in on you

You cannot be contained at all

I don’t want to make you small

I don’t want to fit you in my pocket

A cross around my throat

You are brighter than the sun

You’re closer than the tiny thoughts I have of you

But I could never fathom you at all

Broken moldings all around

Broken people hit the ground

When they discover that you’re not here for our benefit

You love in spite of us

You use the least of us

to prove the strong aren’t really strong at all

in the midst of holy moments

I LOVE QUOTES! I'm in the process of going through some of my favorite books picking out some great quotes to decorate my bathroom at school with. I came across a few in a book I read at the beginning of summer that got my little head thinking. The book is entitled Thin Places by Mary DeMuth. It's a memoir about a woman who was dealt one lousy hand after another (figuratively speaking). The things that she has lived through and experienced don't even happen in my most frightening nightmares! And yet, in the midst of her circumstances she's sought to see God's handiwork. She's learned to trust His heart and His perfect plan. This is what she writes:

"God's fingerprints are everywhere- in the sacred intersection of melancholy and joy. Surely God is in the nooks and crannies of my life, stooping to earth to woo me.... I live in the midst of holy moments. I claw at the seams of life, questioning God's ways, seldom realizing that if I'd stop clawing, I would capture new glimpses of Him through the thin places. God woos me from behind the veil through the tragedies, beauties, suprises, simplicities, and snatches of my life I might overlook."

What beautiful thoughts! I was talking to a good friend a week ago about the ways that God uses trials in our lives to teach us. What I think I often forget is that life is full of divine opportunities to get to know God's heart and His character. He reveals Himself in all things, in all circumstances. Trials, troubles and tribulations all open the door for us to see God in a different light. This school year I want to see God for who He is. I want to know His character. I don't want to ask "why?" anymore, I want to ask "how can I know and reflect God in this situation?" I know that I will be tested and tried, but those things only work on my behalf- establishing patience, perseverance, and perfection (James 2). I'm going into this school year on the prowl for sacred intersections, for holy moments, and for thin places. I want to see God! The end of Job is pretty sweet. Job 42:1-6 read "Then Job replied to the Lord: 'I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, "Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?" Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said "Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me." My ears had heard of you BUT NOW my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes." After all was said and done- after Job had been tested and tried- THEN he saw God for who He was! Let it be so.

on the road marked with suffering

I love lyrics. God often uses the lyrics to a song to move me and teach me about who He is and how I can live accordingly. There were a lot of songs that got my attention this summer as I had opportunity to worship with God's people at camps. One stands out in my mind, however. "Blessed Be Your Name" got to me one morning. That song's been one of my favorites for a while, but it hit me square between the eyes this particular time. The lyrics are as follows:

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I think the line that gets me most is "Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering...and when the darkness closes in Lord, STILL I will say blessed be the name of the Lord." Sometimes I feel like lightning's about to strike, like I'm one step away from a trial that's gonna knock me off my rocker. It's easy to be grateful when "the sun's shining down on me and the world's all as it should be." But it's a totally different story when "we're found in the desert place" or when we "walk through the wilderness." As I stood there in chapel hearing these words, these declarations roll off my tongue, tears formed in my eyes. If all were stripped away and I was left with only God, would my response look anything like Job's? Would I fall on my face in worship and declare that God gives and takes away and His name is to be praised regardless? Worship requires something of us. Abraham understood that. In Genesis 22:5 where God calls Abraham to offer his only son Isaac on the altar, Abraham says something very interesting- "He said to his servants, 'Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.'" Abraham didn't know the end result, he didn't know that God would spare his son- but he acted in faith anyway. He recognized this call for sacrifice as a call to worship! Sacrifice is worship. Worship calls us to see all that we have and all that we are as a gift from God with which we've been entrusted. And when it's all said and done, it's all God's anyway. I must see things in the right perspective. So if the road I find myself on is marked with suffering, and if I'm called to bring a painful offering, and if I walk through the wilderness- I pray that I will respond as Job, "BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!"